Top Five Suicide Methods To Show Mom & Dad You’re Really Serious

They wouldn’t let you have the BMW! Fuck them! They neither love nor understand you.

Revolvers are super reliable.

But you wanted to go to Ibeza with your friends! You even pronounced it “i-BEE-tha” when you asked. And they said no. You wanted that sweet 1 series bimmer for your graduation but they’re getting you a fucking Toyota Avalon. Fuck them. This is life destroying. You’re gonna off yourself and then they’ll get it. You’re gonna end your fucking life and they can go suck it because they’re responsible, and even if they aren’t they’ll certainly feel that way. Fuck em!

So here’s my top five suicide methods to show mom and dad they really fucked up and are gonna feel sorry about it for a long-ass time.

Die In Another Country

Yeah! Death! You love that shit!

Yeah! That’ll show ‘em! Go join the motherfucking Peace Corps! Get knee deep in some Ebola-infected Sub-Saharan African shithole and die working to help others. Then you look like a fucking saint AND you get to die horribly. You’ll definitely make the news, and people you don’t even know will cry for you. I know I will, brah.

Die On a Fucking Mountain Like The Man Your Father Can Never Be

Yeah! That’s cold!

Go join up with Rocky Mountain Rescue Group and get your ass up a motherfucking mountain in the middle of winter to rescue some dumb-ass hikers. When you die, it’ll probably be up in a fucking mountain trying to do something fucking heroic and your folks will be so fucking sad. Also your ex from junior high, that pain in the ass who cheated on you with Hunter. What kind of name is Hunter? And in the meantime you live in a state where weed is legal and you can have a sweet dog, like a husky or a labrador or some shit.

Die In The Fire Of Your Anguish

Dude has a mothefucking ax, and a sweet ride. He can run reds, no fucking problem, brah.

Sign up for the local fire department and work your ass off! While not guaranteed, the odds you’ll die in a fire aren’t bad, and you’ll stay in shape in the meantime, probably getting a bunch of ass! You’ll get some sweet bennies, and mad respect from everyone. No one hates on the FD.

Become A Great American Novelist

Great American Novelist? You’re a fucking badass and you die from pleasure. Go for it!

If you try this shit, you are practically guaranteed death by alcohol poisoning. Just like how you aren’t a jazz great if you don’t die from a heroin overdose, you probably aren’t a great American novelist until you’ve done significant damage to your liver. Just stick to the hooch. No one dies of a pot overdose.

Die On Stage

Behold a bunch of motherfuckers who are about to motherfucking die, motherfucker.

Go take Improv 101 at the UCB. Your ass will be ground up and spit out by the most hardcore comedy machine in the world, and when you finally find yourself standing on stage with the lights in your face and your whole family in the audience to watch, your nerves will get the better of you and, like most 101 students, you’ll probably die on stage.

Please recommend and comment! Please check out my website! Please check me out on Twitter! Please don’t kill yourself. If you want to throw your life away, just first consider any of these options. Trust me, they’re all better than eating a bullet.




Magician.NYC & | New York's Uncanniest | Director | Screenwriter | Satirist | Friend To Dogs

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Mister Lichtenstein

Mister Lichtenstein

Magician.NYC & | New York's Uncanniest | Director | Screenwriter | Satirist | Friend To Dogs

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